Horoscopes – April 2013

by Claire Mersmann

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

It’s your time of the year Aries – enjoy it. A burst of much-needed optimism is coming your way. This will be a refreshing change to your sad, depressing, and lame old self. It’s really about time you lightened up.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

A shift to your social sector will make you more introverted and secretive with your thoughts this month. This is just as well – people don’t usually care what you have to say anyway.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Venus is nearer to your moon these days, which brings you new introductions and friendships. However, this only applies to you if you’re single, which most of you definitely are.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your time to shine is here, Cancer, as Mars promises an improvement to your prominence and status in your surroundings. Be happy for yourself – you won’t be seen as a total loser anymore.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

This month, the stars are telling you that all your wildest wishes will come true. Follow your dreams, Leo. Do what your heart tells you . . . and other inspirational and vomit-inducing phrases.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

Venus makes an appearance in your love sector this month. You’ll finally be able to speak up and let your true feelings be known. A huge bonus – you won’t be babbly and awkward about it like you usually are.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

Mercury nears you, making your life seem empty and dull. Thankfully, the presence of family and friends will help cure this feeling. Well . . . at least you have family.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

The stars are gathering, and have come up with some great, worldly advice for you. Are you ready? They say not to wear hats. You look terrible in hats.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your moon changes phases and brings love into your world. Don’t be surprised if a soul mate appears soon. Actually, scratch that. You should be VERY surprised if that happens – love is not likely for you.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Jupiter advises you to be careful with your money this month. No, that Nigerian princess is not real, and she is definitely not interested in you romantically.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Dark times approach you, and a mental health day away from the world might be a necessity. Go ahead and take it – I’m sure no one will miss you.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20)

Mars and the stars converge, setting up a rough few weeks ahead of you. They say, though, that logic will help you through it. I guess this helpful hint of logic use doesn’t really apply to you, since you undoubtedly lack it.