Horoscopes – March 2013

by Claire Mersmann

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
The majority of the cosmos puts its plans on hold this month – that leaves you free to have fun and get to know yourself. It’s unfortunate, however, that “yourself” is extremely shallow and dull; getting to know you will be no fun at all.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Mars nears your moon this month, bringing distressing times and hardships. Don’t worry, dear Taurus – I can tell you that you’ll push through it, as much as it pains me to tell you nice things.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a Gemini, you don’t tend to tell your hopes and dreams to other people, but more often hold them in your heart in hopes that the universe will hear them. It’s time, however, to give that up – the universe just isn’t interested in what you have to say.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Venus is far away from you this month, putting you in the midst of a long dry spell of both friendship and romance. Don’t worry, everyone goes through an awkward phase – yours will just be way longer than everyone else’s.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Mercury and the sun are alongside your social sector. I realize how shocking and unbelievable the following statement is, but it holds truth: you’re going to be somewhat popular this month, Leo. Congrats.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Your moon is at an angle to the sun, putting intense rage in your heart. When an alarming situation strikes you, you will take control like a pit bull. In fact, you’ll turn into a pit bull – a smelly, drooly, disgusting pit bull.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Your planets are in retrograde, bringing you wishes for many improvements in life. If peace is one of your wishes, though, you might as well give up. You have a personality that conflicts with a lot that of others. In other words, it’s bad – you should work on that.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Your stars have been listening to your thoughts, and have mentioned that you feel trapped lately by regulations and limits. You want to be free. Your moon responds and tells you to get over it, and quit being so angsty.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
The sun urges you to learn from the opinions of others this month, and to hold off on voicing your own. This is great advice, because people are tired of hearing what you think.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Jupiter brings with it a growth in your curiosity that is sure to heighten your mental capacity. Be sure to thank Jupiter – everyone was beginning to become quite aware of your lack of intellect.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
This month, Aquarians have reached a point of confidence. Due to the position of your moon, you will want to act on your gut instincts. This is fine, just don’t act on the instinct that tells you to confess your love for so-and-so; you will most definitely get turned down. Sorry about that.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20)
The stars are very vocal this month, and are warning you of unwanted additions in your health sector. Basically, the universe is telling you to lay off the Nutty Bars.